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# The definition of a gentleman
- URL: https://violet-wood.ghost.io/the-definition-of-a-gentleman/
- Published: 2026-09-16T20:39:50.000Z
- Updated: 2026-09-16T20:57:25.000Z
- Author: Violet Wood
- Tags: Christianity

In 1852, the priest and future cardinal John Henry Newman delivered a series of lectures to a Catholic audience in Dublin. These were collected and published under the title The Idea of a University. Newman extolled the benefits of a liberal education, provided by a university dedicated to the teaching and diffusion of knowledge. Such an education developed a cultivated mind allied to a nobility of character. He emphasised that this was independent of any religious belief or system.

The Idea of a University contains one very famous passage in which Newman sets out in the detail the characteristics of a 'gentleman'. The passage is found in several places online, for example [here](https://www.thoughtco.com/definition-of-a-gentleman-by-newman-1689960?ref=violet-wood.ghost.io). 

This is worth reading not only for the interesting content but also for the exquisite quality of Newman's prose. 

His main idea is that a gentleman never inflicts pain. Among other things: a gentleman keeps in the background, avoids controversial topics, tries to put everyone at ease, looks for the positive in everything, never takes offence, and respects religious feeling. In fact, so developed is his character, he can give the appearance of being a Christian without actually holding any religious belief himself.

Moral character and religious character are indeed separate but can seem to walk side by side. Compare these two short passages, the first extracted from Newman's definition, the second from the chapter The New Men, in Mere Christianity by CS Lewis (the bold emphasis is mine):

> (1) He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring. **He never speaks of himself except when compelled**, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets every thing for the best.

> (2) Every now and then one meets them. Their very voices and faces are different from ours; stronger, quieter, happier, more radiant. They begin where most of us leave off. They are, I say, recognisable; but you must know what to look for. They will not be very like the idea of 'religious people' which you will have formed from your general reading. **They do not draw attention to themselves**. You tend to think that you are being kind to them when they are really being kind to you. They love you more than other men do, but they need you less.

What connects these descriptions is the idea of the death of the self. In both cases the subject is looking outward, not inward, in response either to philosophical reflection or divine grace.

My father-in-law is no longer with us. He was both a gentleman, in the traditional English style recognised by Newman, and a devout but never dogmatic Christian. The service booklet at his funeral carried this verse from scripture: 'Blessed are the peacemakers' (Matthew 5:9). And my mother-in-law's uncle was the same. It was said of him, that he never had to be right about anything.

I have a separate interest in Newman's article. Why is this a definition of a gentleman rather than a definition of a gentlewoman? Or a lady? I know the answer. It lies in the enduring patriarchical nature of society all over the world. By and large, men run almost everything. And look at the mess we're in now.

Seriously though, the qualities or characteristics that Newman admires are found at least as much in women as in men. In fact such qualities as 'compassion, kindness, empathy, openness and vulnerability' (quoting from a recent letter to the Church Times) could be described as primarily feminine. It's not an exact parallel because Newman's gentleman was not characterised by vulnerability. But you know what I mean. And I think Newman may subconsciously have known that as well. His definition contains this interesting passing reference to 'the gentleness and effeminacy of feeling, which is the attendant on civilization'.

I do not try to be a gentleman. I do try to be a lady.